Keep It 200


That's the most honest way to describe our love affair. We never had a honeymoon phase. No butterflies, no sweet nothings, no clich├ęs. You were just ... there, in all your ample glory, waiting for the affection and adoration you so desperately deserve.

Remember our first encounter?

Class Picture Day '99.

Dressed to the nines in your long floral skirt, basic black tank, and fuzzy burgundy sweater, you exuded confidence. Your straightback braids bounced down your back with every step you took around our school gymnasium. Even in all your care-free luster, you hadn't made it under my radar yet. It wasn't until an obnoxious, scrawny classmate of ours called you out. He, along with a couple of his goons, pointed at you, trading an insult that still sticks with you to this day. I saw you shrink. That radiance dimmed right before my eyes. Your innocence was robbed from you and you suddenly became a shell of a being. It was at that exact moment I realized who you were and took you on as mine. I had to. I almost felt obligated to. You know how young love is: idealistic, pure intentioned, naive. That was us.

While many swoon over the idea of longevity, our tale was most definitely unswoonworthy. Our fifteen year journey, for a lack of better words, was not cute. As we matured, our bond was constantly being tested. Strolls down parallel lane were regular dates for us. Whether it was family looking out for our health, our peers unknowingly shoving their flaw-free relationships down our throats, or societal pressure to mold us into something we weren't, we have been through the ringer. Everyone claimed they meant well. I'm sure they did. Truth be told, however, they just didn't get how triggering they were with their words and actions. They never looked under our lens to understand just how complex we were. Essentially, we had to become what they wanted us to be in order to thrive. We didn't rock with that ideology. Thus, our struggle.

I tried to find a place for you. Lord knows I did. I browsed every magazine, inspected every piece of literature, searched every movie, recited every lyric from every song from every album ...

I exhausted every possible medium in an attempt to be inspired to love you as you were. With every bit of research, I was further inundated by beliefs that you were completely unworthy of any emotion from me. Well, other than hate. So, that's what I did. The resentment I blasted your way was intense. How many nights did we hold a mirror up to our imperfections, tears falling from my face as I questioned why you just couldn't be something else? Without hesitation, I'd make excuses for you and the space you occupied, often wondering why I continued to put up with you. I harbored hatred instead of manifesting unconditional love. I neglected you. There aren't enough apologies in the world to repair the damage I've done.

Now, I write this as totally changed partner. True to every rap narrative we've vibed to through our extensive history, I vow now to do right by you. After the years of physical, verbal, and emotional abuse I put you through, I'm channeling Tiller to right my wrongs.

I was a big girl from birth, weighing in at whopping 8 pounds, 12 ounces. Being a part of the Big Girl Coalition wasn't new to me; it was true to me. I've been put on every type of diet you can come up with by multiple physicians as early as 9. Each relationship with one ended mere months after our introduction. No amount of weight lost, calories consumed, male gaze garnered or societal acceptance will make me love you any more or any less. True love and respect come from within and are built over time. It took us a decade and a half but I really think we're finally here.

I show you off these days. Bodycons, crop tops, high-waist everything, explicit silhouettes. I finally stopped tensing up whenever you were in the presence of the opposite sex. Now, when a warm rub or a soft kiss is impending, I welcome it openly and let you get all those blessings. You're on full display now, baby. And honestly, why wouldn't you be? You're unapologetically you. Have been for yours. From here on out, it won't matter how big or small you get, I'll treat you like the sacred sanctuary you are. Dipping in divinity, you're to be worship accordingly by every soul that comes in contact with you. I promise I won't settle for anything less.

You're here. You always been here. I stand in true conviction when I say I love you. All 200+ pounds of you. Every nook, every cranny, every crevice. 

Thank you for putting up with me. 

Bee Pollard